Sometimes I look around and just wish I could help. I want to change the world. But most of the time I am too afraid of what people will think of me. I want my life story to help others in times of trouble. I want people to look at me and say, "if she made it through, so can I".
But so often I hide myself. I do not want people to see me for what I really am. I want them to see me as strong and independent. I want to be the tough one. I want to be the leader that has no faults. No pain. No weakness. I do not want to share myself because someone might look down on me. Think me to be weak or vulnerable. I do not want people to criticize me. I do not want people to know my weaknesses. I want to be a turtle locked tight away in my shell of safety and protection. Yet when I see myself like that I realize that that also leaves me shallow. Unapproachable.
But if I want to change lives, should not I be open? Should I not share my story freely to all who will hear?
Yet so often I find people unreceptive. I open myself to them and they brush me off. To them, my story is just a story. They do not want to hear about my pain, they have enough of their own. What am I to do about this paradox?
A few days ago I shared my heart with a group of people. Those who know me will tell you that I love being in front of people and never really get nervous. Well, this time, my mouth was completely dry. I never understood the phrase "scared spit less" until then. My lips and tongue stuck to my teeth. I could hardly look at the audience. I shook. My voice cracked. I sang, but definitely not well. I was/am so scared of how people will take that I have pain.
So here, on my blog. I want to share it with you. I hope you will read it and get some encouragement.
After someone who was very close to me suddenly died, my life basically ended. It was all I could do to keep on breathing. I did not know why I was here. I felt useless. I felt guilt. I thought, "I should have spent more time with him." I beat myself up for not paying any attention to him. I had ignored him. What if I had taken the time to pray for him that morning? All the "what ifs". I did not know if this God I followed was really worth following. Why would he do this to us? My pain was deep. I contemplated things that should never ever be contemplated. I was so tired of hurting.
After a year I met a girl. She was in great pain. I was able to talk to her. She gave me hope, even though she had none to give. She gave me a will, when she was searching for a reason to live. She gave me joy, when she was grieving. She gave me a reason to continue. I knew my story could change the lives of others. I wanted to write this song as an encouragement to others. I wanted to write it to her.
The world was shattered
How could this be true
My heart was battered
I want to love you
But I feel alone
God are you there?
My heart's as cold as stone
Do You even care?
The first verse talks about how I had been feeling, and how I saw that she was feeling. Everything falling apart, but still wanting to love God; hating yourself for being mad at Him. It goes on to describe feeling alone. Asking God where He was, where He is. Does He even care? Why are You letting this happen? This part is a dark cry from a seeking heart.
The dark waters close around
I scream but without a sound
Why would you leave me now?
Why would you let me drowned?
Oh where can you be found?
But I feel alone
God are you there?
My heart's as cold as stone
Do You even care?
Verse two again describes feeling alone, feeling like you are stuck. When in the middle of a problem how hopeless it seems. How it feels like you are chained to an anchor sinking to the bottom of the ocean with no hope of rescue. Where is God? Why can't He save me?
But you are God
and I am not
You hold my hand
You fill me up
You do all
for Your honor and glory
At the top of my voice
I'll tell my story
I'm not alone
God, I know you're there
My heart is home
I'm not alone
The bridge is my declaration. God is God. He alone is sovereign; I am not. If I was, why would I worship Him? He is worthy of all our worship, praise, adoration, and love. I am declaring that He is the One I will worship. I will love, I will honor and glorify. I will proclaim His name with all my life, with every breath. The end reminds me that I am not alone. God is here. He gives me joy and peace that is unexplained. He knows me, and He still loves me. Even when I push Him away, He still loves me. He still call to me. I am not alone!
